Of All The Things I Still Remember
by Lioness's Heart
Summary: Peter is left to pick up the pieces. It is easier said than done. Oneshot. Spoilers for 6x06.


**Disclaimer: Nothing recognizable is mine**

**This was written for a challenge at gameofcards over at Livejournal. I recently watched the entire series and I'm so sad that it ended - especially because there was so much potential for more given where it ended. This is primarily an exploration of Peter's grief after the hospital scene in _Au Revoir. _The title is from September by Daughtry.  
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Neal haunts him.

Peter can still see the moment when he last saw Neal Caffrey alive. The thought makes his throat close. _You're the only one who saw good in me. You're my best friend_.

The words ring in his head over and over again. He had a hard enough time holding it together at the funeral; now he walks by Neal's empty desk every day and he sees his CI there for a split-second. Then he's gone. Again. He curses Neal and his recklessness. That recklessness got him killed.

He finds himself looking up from his desk, half-rising to see if Neal finished the report on their latest case before he remembers that the former conman is no longer there. He swears to himself as he sits back down, but not before Jones sees him. He can see it in Clinton's face. They share a long look before Peter tries to get back to work.

Peter misses the way the White Collar office used to be, back when he was a field agent instead of ASAC. He misses working with Hughes; he misses simpler days. He misses the days when Neal Caffrey was nothing but the case that made his career. It was easier when all he thought about was getting home to El at the end of the day.

Even briefings are more difficult than they should be. Brainstorming seems so much less productive without Neal's flair for unconventional strategy and his ability to see the things none of his Harvard-educated agents would have even considered.

He cannot even drive home without being reminded of the early days of their partnership. The game comes on the radio and he remembers the fights he and Neal had about what station the radio was on.

Everything has changed since Neal's death. Mozzie has gone to ground and Peter cannot blame him. He always thought Mozzie was a bad influence on Neal – especially when he was getting Neal involved in his less than savory business – but he understands the need to separate himself. Especially given Mozzie's conspiracy theories and how subjective he seemed to believe the law was, he understands the distance. He is just the Suit and the only reason Mozzie stuck around as long as he had in the first place was for Neal. Peter might not like Mozzie, but he appreciates the loyalty.

The time passes slowly. His son is born and the grief fades a little. Neal Caffrey is less on his mind when he spends the nights getting up to take care of Neal's namesake. The pain still comes in waves – he catches himself thinking about what it would be like having Neal in his son's life.

He catches himself pulling out the rubber band ball Neal would toss around when he was thinking. He taps the Socrates bust that has ended up on Diana's desk every time he passes. Diana and Jones pick up the habit within weeks when their busts keep going right. It is almost like Neal is still with them in some way, making sure everything falls into place like he used to.

The hardest part comes when Diana is offered a job in D.C. She spends a week considering all of the pros and cons and Peter can see her glancing at Neal's desk, now occupied by a probie, before she takes it.

When he sees Mozzie in the park, it all seems so final. It has been a year since the Pink Panthers were arrested. It has been a _whole year_ since Matthew Keller shot Neal. They always said the first year without some one was when the grief was the worst, but the first year is over and Peter still expects Neal to be there. He _still_ catches the reflection in the window and sees Neal at his desk.

He keeps hoping it will disappear, that maybe he can _finally_ put Neal Caffrey behind him.

When Mozzie tells him that he is still bargaining it all clicks into place. He is bargaining. He wants his friend back – and he keeps telling himself that if he had found Neal sooner he might still be alive. The guilt is eating him alive. If it was not for him Neal Caffrey might still be alive. If he had never caught Neal, he might still be alive. If he had never taken that deal and Neal's help, he might still be alive.

There are dozens of scenarios in Peter's head where Neal is still alive and he would take any single one of them gratefully, so long as it meant that his friend was safe.

The resignation finally hits him when El has gone to bed. He cannot help himself. He knows that there is nothing he could have possibly done to prevent Keller from firing that gun. It was Neal's choices that took him to that basement. Peter keeps telling himself that Neal knew exactly what he was doing getting involved with Keller. He knows that Neal knew exactly what he was doing. Neal Caffrey almost always knew exactly what he was doing, legal or not.

He retrieves the box that has been sitting in their closest for the last year. He shuffles through the plastic cards that still make no sense. How Neal got that many credit cards is beyond Peter. Why he would need that many hotel keys is also beyond him. He knows how Neal's mind worked to some extent but those were a mystery still. He puts the key on top of the small pile of cards and his fingers brush against the pocket square.

That is when it hits him that this small pile of objects and the things at his office are the last he has of Neal Caffrey. They are all that is left of the conman that he has – _had_ – known for a decade. His eyes water and his jaw tightens. He curses Neal's stupidity one more time as he puts the scrap of material down on top of the pile.

The anklet is the worst. He always hated it when Neal was off-anklet. The only time he remembers appreciating it is when he told Neal to run – but he also remembers how badly that backfired. Bad things happened without that anklet. That was how he lost Neal in the end.

It is almost funny – he remembers what Mozzie said when they saw the body so well. It couldn't be Neal because he always had another way. He always had a backup plan. Except this time.

Peter begins to put the things away again when the thought hits him. He picks up the box and takes it downstairs. There has to be something in that box that makes sense. He tosses the ID badge on the coffee table, then picks up the key. Neal's wallet is next – except he realizes what the significance of the key is. Keys go to something.

Then it all makes sense. The card Neal gave Mozzie. The bottle of wine – that was certainly not Bordeaux – on their doorstep that evening. They have to be clues. They _have_ to be.

Peter does not know if he can handle false hope anymore. If Neal is alive, that changes everything. If he really is dead – Peter pushes that thought aside. He will deal with that later if everything comes crashing down again.


End file.
